Makaan
laut raha hoon office se, paidal
tyre puncture ho gaya thaa kuchh din pahle
theek karana hai, is sunday ko zaroor karwaunga
shaam ka waqt hai, bacche patang udaa rahe hain
kuchh to bijli ke taaron mein phansi hui hain
dhoop dhal rahi hai, thand hone lagi hai halki si
suraj gali ke aakhiri makaan ke peeche chala gaya hai
baaki makaanon se kuchh alag lagta hai ye
oopar balcony mein ek kursi rakhi hai
aur ek mote rasse se jhoola tanga hai
shayad koi baitha thaa wahan pahle
abhi bhi dheere dheere hil raha hai
gardan oopar karke dekha maine
koi nazar nahi aata, shayad koi nahi hai
ya shayad koi andar hoga,
khidki aadhi si khuli hai
makaan dekhke purana lagta hai
par safedi chamakti hai deewaron pe,
pichhli diwali pe hi ranga ho maano
yadi dhoop hoti abhi to bahut sundar lagta
siway deewaron pe dikhti kuchh toot-foot ke
ek tasveer tangi hai balcony ki andar waali deewar pe
dikh nahi paa rahi poori, jhoole ke peeche chhupi hai
jharokhe ke kone mein ek gamla rakha hai
laal gulaab khila hai, bahut acchha lag raha hai
lagta hai jaise
lagta hai maano ki….
meri jigyasa badti jaa rahi hai
pata nahi kyun adheer ho raha hoon mein,
milna chahta hoon ismein rahne waalon se
sankdi si seedi chadke oopar pahuncha
‘koi hai’.. ‘hello‘.. ‘koi hai’.. awaaz di maine
koi jawaab nahi aata kahin se
ajeeb log hain, makaan khali chhodke kahan chale gaye
koi chaukidaar bhi nahi hai
inhein fikr nahi hai koi bhi andar aa jaaye!
thhoda gussa aa raha hai mujhe
man karta hai daant lagaun zor se
par kisi ka andar naamo nishaan nahi hai
aashcharya ki baat hai abhi tak kisi ne chori nahi ki
dekho wo titan ki ghadi saamne waali table pe
kal raat ko maine hi to wahan utaarkar rakhi thee
Good attempt. Good setting up of the plot. But prompts to comment rather critically.
The climax was rather obvious towards the end, may be because I know you. At one point it seems inspired from raincoat. As you know and may have done on purpose, it somewhat lags in literary beauty and fails to attain a certain depth.
Again good attempt, though I appreciate some thought provoking strings better.
@Anonymous: Thanks for the frank analysis, I look forward to more free criticism from people rather than one-liner-compliments. My attempt was to capture native thoughts and observations, hence some english words and lack of tukbandi. Any resemblance to Raincoat is a coincidence as I haven’t see the movie yet. Lack of depth is something I will try to work upon more in future ones.
mujhe theory jyaada pata nahi hai, mera ek hi observation hai is post pe: I see that every paragraph has two contrasting moods, it starts in one mood and ends in another.
Yes I have read your opinion on on-liner comments, so am adding this extra line:
“dekho wo titan ki ghadi saamne waali table pe
kal raat ko maine hi to wahan utaarkar rakhi thee”
would you say it in such a casual manner if you had forgotten the watch to your office, and hence have been wondering where you forgot it? (I am assuming you are not someone with many wrist-watches)